Paranoia

Had a great weekend, sorted out the horny problem from last week and now feel satiated, although how long for I don't know.

Had a bit of a shock Sunday morning, just coming too - woken by a child bouncing on me. What were the first words out of her mouth? "are you and Robin going to get married" !!! Sheer panic ran through my very fuzzy brain, so I did what mum's do best and deflected the question. "ask Robin" says I and I attempt to change the subject.

Now I know that they had been watching TV, so it makes you wonder what exactly they had been watching? Of course the questions didn't stop there "do you love him more than..." Etc. It was so embarrassing. They were precisely the sort of questions to make Robin panic and while I've almost forgotten his tendency to free fall panic and running away, I bet he hasn't and the last thing I need is for him to think that I'd put the girls up to it.

I mean, in theory getting married to him would be lovely and I can get enthusiastic on a girlie level for the idea of it and mentally plan locations and the like. But and its a huge BUT in reality the whole idea of marriage has many facets to it and not all good ones.

There's the religious bit in me that would like to be married as well as thinking it would set a good example to the girls and I'm worried about what sort of example I set at the moment. I don't want them to sleep around and I do want them to get married for love and stay married - unlike me.

There is the need for security - after the last relationship and its downfall and the disastrous consequences of it I feel like it would be nice to have the comfort of a wedding ring on my hand. But then again I've been married once before and I know it doesn't always work out regardless of how much I want marriage to be for life. But needing security isn't a good reason for getting married.

I know I love him and he completes me in so many ways and I want to feel proud to be his wife, but I want to be sure that the feelings aren't going to change and that he feels the same way about me. What I don't want to do is feel like I've pushed him into something he doesn't want to do. Besides, I really want to do something about loosing weight before I even think about getting married.

And then again there is this sneaking niggle in the back of my mind about how I would react if I was really asked, seriously asked to Marry him. Would I panic and run as a pre emptive strike against being married and then him leaving me?

Or am I just confusing concerns about moving in together in a different property with the marriage concept? Its ok living here together - if it doesn't work out for any reason I've still got somewhere to live, but once I move from here Jacqui will sell this place and then if things don't work out I'm back to square one again but this time with no safety net to fall back on.

Just re-read that, and yep I'm a paranoid mess. Either that or I think too much and too deeply about things, still at least once you've identified neuroses you can do something about facing them.... or so they say!

Oh well, time to put the paranoia back in the box for a while and get on with some work.